What kind of cranky baby do you have?
Six questions. Thirty seconds. Brutally accurate. Find your baby's true cranky type and the design that proves it.
Meet the cranky types
Every baby is a little bit cranky in their own way. The quiz matches yours to one of eight clay characters, each with its own full collection of bodysuits, tees, mugs and keepsakes.
My First Halloween
The costume was not put to a vote. A first Halloween is photographed more than it is enjoyed, at least by the baby. This one takes the side of the small person who was dressed as a pumpkin without being consulted.
Born Cranky
New here. Already haunting. Came out already annoyed and has been making its presence felt ever since. The sheet is new; the haunting is not.
The Nap Protester
Trick or treat. Nap or riot. Sleep was already a scam before anyone mentioned a bedtime on Halloween. Negotiations are open, briefly.
Milk Drunk
The tiny count. Milk only. Up all night, wobbly by dawn, and strictly on a dairy diet. The cape is for effect; the schedule is real.
The Tiny Tyrant
Small. Loud. Nocturnal. The household ruler finally found a costume that matches the hours it keeps. Compliance is still mandatory.
The Snack Dealer
Trick or treat. I take a cut. Runs the household snack economy year round, and Halloween is simply the busy season. Every bucket pays a commission.
Threenager
Too old for costumes. Still taking the candy. Far too old for any of this, and will be taking a full bucket of candy regardless. The ears were not a choice.
King of the House
Crown first. Costume second. His Majesty consents to a costume on one condition: the crown goes on top of it, where everyone can see.
Queen of the House
Her majesty accepts candy. The queen will be receiving tributes at the door this evening. The hat is seasonal; the crown is permanent.
Born Cranky
Came out already annoyed. The freshly furious. Filed a complaint on the way out and never withdrew it.
The Nap Protester
Sleep is a scam. Naps are a personal insult and this baby will die on that hill, wide awake of course.
Milk Drunk
Fed, wobbly, at peace. Lives bottle to bottle and passes out mid sentence. The most chill of the cranky.
The Tiny Tyrant
Small ruler, big demands. Governs by decree and tantrum, and says no before you have finished asking.
The Snack Dealer
Negotiates bedtime for one cracker. Runs the household snack economy single handed. Everything has a price, in crackers.
Threenager
Three going on fifteen. Eye rolls included at no extra charge. The attitude arrived early and stayed.
King of the House
Long live the crown. The tiny ruler who governs by tantrum and naps on a whim. You just pay the bills.
Queen of the House
Long live the crown. The tiny queen who rules by decree and naps strictly by appointment.
What the quiz asks
- It's 3 AM. Your baby is… (Screaming the house down · Wide awake and ready to play · Passed out cold after a bottle · Barking orders from the crib)
- Their idea of a good time is… (Negotiating for one more snack · Redecorating (by throwing things) · Filing a formal complaint · Holding court from the high chair)
- Naptime is… (Treated as a personal insult · A full hostage negotiation · Optional, apparently · Over before it starts (instant tears))
- Their catchphrase would be… (“No.” · “More.” · “I wasn't even tired.” · “Bow before me.”)
- Right after a bottle, they're… (Wobbly and blissed out · Already demanding seconds · Suddenly wide awake · Still deeply unimpressed with you)
- At a family gathering, your baby… (Holds court and accepts tribute · Conks out mid-party, fully content · Demands to be carried like a monarch · Food-comas after raiding every plate)
